I have issues: there I said it Mom! Now, normal people have a couple of things that really bother them. I have 9. Not obvious 9 peeves but things that would prompt a regular person to say “What the what???” But like Mr.Monk says “If you paid attention you’d be worried too”. So here goes my list of things you need to know (YES YOU DO! Now read up)
1.) Bell Peppers:
What the hell is up with Bell Peppers? First of all, who discovered the only vegetable that smelled like a pest killer? More importantly why don’t other people realize this. I wonder how people go through life eating a terrible smelling vegetable that tastes like a table mat. Think about that the next time you eat stir fry. You are welcome.
2.) Food that smells
Primarily eggs and fish. However, like all rules with immense logic behind them, this too has exceptions. For e.g. Sunny-side-up and boiled are perfectly normal ways to eat eggs. Omlette on the other hand: NO! Shellfish is totes acceptable, fish in curry isn’t. Don’t even ask me to explain this.
3.) Can’t sit next to doors
Basically anywhere except a car. In a car I have to sit next to a door. THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE! Think about it, you are in a movie hall that gets attacked by man-eating aliens; who do you think they go for first? The ones closest to the door that’s who! The ones in the middle still have the hope that the aliens feel too full to eat them.In a car sitting in the middle makes me feel overly claustrophobic. Maybe goes back to my childhood recurring nightmare of being in a box thats closing in. I was a strange child.
4.) Multiple half empty bottles of the same drink
Why does this have to happen!!?? You finish a bottle and then drink from the next. Do this at my place, please be prepared for quick death. I’ll be completely okay dealing with the “Friend killed over bottled water” headline the next day in the paper.
5.) Vegetables cut too big
Chop them up tiny and make them edible. That’s all I ask. Is that too much to expect?
6.) Food items touching on a plate
Because who can eat DalPotatoChickenSalad?
7.) Sharing a water bottle
Do yourself a favour: Google how many germs are shared when we share a bottle and then tell me you don’t care!
8.) Sweaty people
Hey I sweat too but I do not go around standing close to people so at one point we are sharing the sweat 50-50!
9.) Local trains
Local trains are basically metal boxes full of sweaty people who give zero fucks if you combust due to sweat and claustrophobia. I’d literally rather be stuck in traffic for 3 hours than take a 15 minute train ride.
10.) BAD GRAMMAR
People stop existing for me when they say “I didn’t knew that….”. I didn’t knew I had such a problem with it. #SlapsSelfOnFace
OMG there are 10 things?? I have 10 issues! What the hell is wrong with you woman??